A clumsy ruin

A clumsy ruin         

 

“If  you had not appeared when you did I'd be dead " said Thamie to herself.

 In her agile mind she was being chased by people neither she, could not describe or make sense of .She always used to tell everyone how protected she felt each time she felt something threatening around her. It felt as if she was being guarded. But these days she didn't  feel her guard's presence anymore. " Maybe he too got tired of her constant wailing". These "episodes" Thamie had been experiencing had been going on for a while now  and every member of her family had  gotten tired of hearing her tales and fled each time she would come home from work, because to them, Thamie was just another clumsy ruin who would do anything for attention.

 

Her brown lips clasped together as she ran through the gate that afternoon.  "should I tell them or not" she fought with her mind, trying to gather enough courage tell them what had overcome her that day. Just as she was trying to decide to share her news, it was a little too late and she began gasping for air." It happened again “she said to her father and began scratching her hair indicating an irritation.

 “As old as her father was he had no time to listen to tales and always mentioned how near he felt to the heavens, so in his view he didn't want to waste any of his time listening to one of Thamie's tales. So he upruplty excused himself and slowly limbered away”

 

She shrugged in disappointment and was immediately  met by a bunch of piercing curious eyes Infront of her, scrutinizing every fibre of her being, she shrugged, she knew how she felt each time she had what they call a “Psychotic episode”. Her family members would usually stare, make snide remarks of how crazy she sounded with all these tales of being chased.

She stopped scratching her head and began recalling the kid she saw in the bus today, he looked so familiar. His watery mouth and chubby cheeks, his curly hair, he looked like a healthy two year Old’s, he tasselled and moved his way out of his mother's hand and quickly made his way to Thamie. She couldn't believe it. She was just too excited for words. She used to be this excited in a daily basis before she lost her son to a brain tumour. Death does things to people. She didn't feel crazy but there was this thing she's recently experiencing, which brings chills down her spine when she just thinks about it. She felt like he was being chased. By something she herself could not explain.

 

It’s the loss of her son, it slowly made her memory fade. She never loved anyone like she loved him.

The little boy’s mother called him and he gave her a wet kiss on the cheek. To other’s it might have been a plain sight, but to her it was Life’s way of communicating with her, telling her that she will be alright.

 

She stood there and said to her family; “you never try to understand me do you?”

They just looked at her in confusion. Kayla her Elder sister, Martin her elder brother and Aunt Kathy who always had something to say, just sat there on the old wooden bench under the grape tree, in disturbing silence.

For never they  cared to know the pain of a grieving mother, who just wanted to go on with life with hopes that things could be the same again, and that she wasn't the topic of discussion at every family meeting. She wanted things to go back to normal, to those warm Sunday lunches that consisted of fried chicken, mash and gravy with Aunt Kathy's malva pudding to finish it off.

 

Nevertheless, since that little boy’s hug on the bus, Thamie no longer feels like anyone’s chasing her.

Although she still hears chatter’s of laughter, in a distance, she now just smiles when she hears them.

The universe was trying to tell her to stop running away and face the matter at hand. No one was chasing her. Her "FEARS" were. 

 

-MisssMinnie

 

If shadows could speak

If shadows could speak

"While you thought you were not good enough and sounding like an over played record this is what really happened said Shannon to her sister who suffered the intense emotional trauma of a cheating fiancé ".

Lucy and Shannon grew up in a small town and all they were subject to was a good household with strong family values and a solid church foundation combined with a good college/university degree and the support of their single mother whom their late father left with sufficient resources to take care of his three girls. Shannon studied law, while Lucy opted for Medicine. They're mother Mrs. Betsie couldn't be prouder that she had raised strong young women who had a zeal for life and a future that couldn't look much brighter than it already seemed.

 Mrs. Betsie sat relentlessly on the chair she had almost sat on for the past eighteen years, a chair her husband had made from scratch with his bare hands. The hands that helped her have what he had today she thought to herself, she sat up straight on it, although every time she moved a squeaking sound emerged indicating how worn out it was, and with being a widow for almost eighteen years now she didn't have luxury of having a man's handiness around the old yard. Shannon announced by a brief phone call that morning that she and her sister Lucy were coming home for the holidays and Lucy had a surprise for her. Mrs. Betsie silently hoped Lucy had finally found herself a good gentleman who would take care of her fragile self.

And so it became that evening, Lucy brought a guest along, Mrs. Betsie couldn’t be happier to finally have her daughter home. Shannon arrived seconds later, just in time to meet Lucy at their mother’s door.

“Oh my!! Shrieked Mrs. Betsie, is this what I think it is? “Pulling her daughter’s hand closer to assess the big rock on her ring finger”

“Yes Mama”, said Lucy with contempt in her voice.

“Careful now” said Shannon to Lucy, who wasn’t aware that her sister was standing right behind her, as she tried to take a step back to allow her ring to be examined in enough patio space. 

Shannon has always been there for Lucy, and she was rather surprised that Lucy decided to get engaged and not bother to inform her.

“You weren’t aware”? Said Mrs. Betsie, to Shannon, who looked like she had just seen a ghost.

 If she could turn back the hands of time she would not only recall how Shannon seemed to always be there for Lucy, even when she least expected it. She was there when her little sister got bullied, almost broke her arm and finally there for her at the most pivotal stage of her life back at university. "My dear "Shannon” always so meticulous and cautious Mrs. Betsie thought to herself.

 But how was she about to break it to her little sister “Lucy” who is not little anymore, that the man standing before all of them was a man she knew very well, a man who had been having his dinners at her place and only leaving before midnight to return to his fiancé . How?

They never shared much as sisters, they're relationship wasn't necessarily transparent but they knew when to look out for one another. They're mother interrupted Shannon’s thoughts and asked that she would take her sister's fiancés bag and not be a rude host. Shannon tried by all means, to not make eye contact with this man who played them all for a fool, and took the bags from his hands. They briefly all gathered at the dinner table and Shannon tried by all means not to sit across this man who felt like a stranger now, more than a lover she became accustomed to. She recalled how many times Lucy had asked her to come meet her new found boyfriend,but she was always too busy. How would she explain to her sister that she was blindsided about his man's relationship status and she had fallen in love" but nonetheless that's no excuse she thought to herself, this man should've been honest. She was no secretive person all right so she hurriedly asked her sister to join her in the next room and said to her  :

“You were good enough, but this man you came with today, he’s about to create raft so deep between us, that no relationship would not survive, the question were faced with here is whether or not we knew how scandalous and selfish this person we thought we knew, was" This awful selfish man was now inhumane in Shannon’s eyes. But Lucy, She sat there in disbelief, shedding a tear that carried a million stories that she could not articulate, she just sat there, in silence. "She really didn’t know love at all.”

-MisssMinnie

A station of hope.

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large, meaning we choose to be hopeful, like happiness, it’s up to the forever worried, stressed and somber individual to decide what path they choose to let their minds wander through. It sounds obvious doesn’t it? If this concept was really set in stone for everyone, we wouldn’t have a high number of lack of validation amongst the human race.

Solitude can be good for self-improvement purposes but if one is always worried and alone you may as well find yourself existent on your own little planet, bound to repetitive thought patterns and forgotten dreams, love never pursued, love eluded.

I believe we’re still here, we might be inhaling deep breaths that look so severe and life threatening. You’re here, you just can’t seem to find your way out of where you are, surely you’re not meant to be here, for when I see you, I see an individual that needs to tap into a supernatural realm that only they can make sense of. A place never endeavored. Something new nor borrowed.

Begin to envision a life that glimmers in darkness, a life that doesn’t have comfort but promises an assurance of safety. A life where you can count on yourself and not on another individual that breathes the same air as you do. Carry no camouflages. Go as you are and you shall surely emerge!

And maybe then will we teach our thoughts to be silenced, to stop reflecting on what has been, what is and what needs to be. Let’s be mindful of the “now” the “present”. Are we okay, Are we at peace? Why aren’t we smiling today? Some of the answers to these questions can range from obvious life challenges that include “whether or not you will have a meal on your table tomorrow”, why your debts are piling up, or simply due to” matters of the heart “an area which many have not uncovered yet. All these need not be answered. There’s a greater truth. This is where you should begin. Be hopeful.

-MisssMinnie

A road less travelled

 

Relationships offer a sense of belonging, a bed of comfort and a beam of sunlight to many. Combined with years it turns into something only it's participants can explain, an incomphrehensable feeling I tell you. However like every good thing out there, it's accompanied by something completely opposite. Some relationships are toxic as youve probably... guessed, others are only existent because of an individuals rank...and the "genuine" one's you're wondering, what about the genuine one's? Well sadly those are rare.. distinct if we may call it that. 
 
A sense of entitlement accompanies a relationship, at arms length ofcourse mainly because expecting someone for "them" is not a price many are willing to pay. Hence the institution of marriage. Nevertheless in this fast paced lifestyle, vows don't seem reason enough to refrain some people from doing as they please. Sad isn't it? The epitome of relationships in my eyes like Sylvia Plath stated "I know now how deeply, fearfully and totally I love you, beyond compromise, beyond mental reservations I've had about you, even to this day" in actual fact it doesn't take a lot to love one another in the manner above, it takes patience, kindness, compromise and compassion.

Evidently a "perfect relationship " rule book seizes to exist. Hence crying over spilt milk never left anyone with a full jug of tears either.It only changed your Persona to " I'm still obsessed over you, I need you, I refuse to live or breathe without you" Crazy isn't it? Giving another humanbeing so much power over yourself. Power you yourself can't implement in your OWN life. However whether you've suffered a bad experience due to being in love or youret bound to..#NB:no jinxing intended# with this statement..regardless what the situation is...Bouncing back is essential, because lying in a muddy puddle of lies, delusion and being desperate for another's attention just shows how afraid you really are of persuing "You".. Im not promoting Singledom but its a road less travelled which brings self discovery and peace..believe you me, I've walked that road...it's a dose of confusion at first and as the days pass it gets lonelier. at the end though you see that its actually not that bad being in a state of solitude. Its refresgingly rare..and beautiful..
It's a proven fact that we humans need a "better.half" to share lifes special moment's with, to have an hour's worth of meaningless conversations with,afterall it's scientists who say it's Therapeutic and it has proven to be.
At the end of the day.. we seek different things but finding that balance teaches us to display compassion,kindness and many things only those inlove can describe.. All ones wants is affection, time and a mere sense of belonging when our life becomes too overwhelming. It's love.. it really does make the world a better place.
       
-Michelle Minnie